A Good Example

"Mommy, you look good in those heels."  One sentence was enough to make me pause while trying to hurry out the door to make it on time for church last week.  My 4 year old, Anna, only compliments when she really means it.  This was not the first time I'd felt 'put together' lately, but it was the first time in a long time I'd worn heels.  And somehow in her little impressionable mind that's what made the difference to make an 'ok' looking Mommy into a Mommy worth complimenting.  That day I resolved to find the woman she was complimenting, and let her be seen more often.  I realized that as much as I love her, she needs my example of how to be the respectable woman I want her to become.  If wearing heels helps her think her Mom is someone she wants to be like, then heels it is.  I know that if she doesn't look up to me as she grows up, she will find it in other women.  Women I may not approve of, and more importantly women that are not God-fearing. And this is something that has to happen now, when she's young and doesn't have exposure to other women to mimic or look up to.  I shouldn't wait until she's a teenager to instill the trait of respecting her body, because I know it's too late then.  Since having babies I've certainly 'let myself go' as they say.  Of course I have good intentions to loose the last of the pregnancy weight I gained, and to exercise routinely again.  Obviously I just didn't have the right motivation.  Babies, infants especially, like the extra cushion a Mom has, and I'll just put it out there and say my hubby likes what's happened up top as I gained weight.  But I no longer have infants to hold all day, and I'm not raising my husband (that's a whole other blog).
Somehow my daughter's approval of how I look, dress, and act are far more important to me, and is a serious motivating factor to push myself that extra minute on the rowing machine.  (Frank used to row Crew in college, I'm using his machine to exercise...it's cheaper than a gym.)
I'm writing this mostly to look back on and remember this moment in time when my thoughts changed about myself.  A reminder of why I do what I do, and my deep down desire to raise girls who love themselves as much as I love them.

Take a Chill Pill

I'm not very good at holding in my feelings most of the time.  I think sometimes I am, but mostly I say what I'm feeling...notice I didn't say "what I'm thinking".  I do usually think before I speak so as not to offend...although I wasn't always good at this either.  I learned that lesson the hard way (after loosing some close friends growing up).  I share my emotions very easily.  I am usually an open book, easy to read, and I will talk to anyone who wants to talk.  Because of the life changes in the past 3 years (see all prior posts regarding my 2 girls) I am more stressed about things than I ever was before, and because I let this emotion be shown I come across as being an up tight person.  I hate this because I really don't like to be up tight about things.  It's not who I think of myself as, but somehow I've let it become what others see about me.  I know this because my siblings have decided that I need to take up eating brownies of a recreational flavor...if you get my drift.  They are kidding of course, none of us would even know where to find the stuff...well maybe 1 of us could...but anyway, the point is they think I need to chill out about things.  About everything.  And I know they are right.  The trouble I have is that I try to look too far ahead for problems.  I get stressed about one little thing because I'm fearful it will lead to more serious issues.  I've never been able to just live in the moment very well.  I'm very goal oriented, so every action is about reaching some goal.  I'd like to think my children have taught me that you have to enjoy little moments of happiness and peace even if you're in the middle of sleep deprived, sick, and the longest days of your life.  Otherwise I'm convinced no one would survive their childhood because mom or dad would actually hold our heads under the water at bath time instead of only thinking it.  (yes I just said what I know a lot of other parents have thought but never wanted to admit)
I think I'll try to hold this emotion back a little more often.  I'll take a deep breath or count to 10...or a hundred some days.  I'm open to suggestions, because as well as the brownies idea might work it's not practical with my line of work.

Grandma Dot

I know I posted my sister's blog about the memories she had of our Grandma Dot, but I feel the need to write as well.  Mostly because it is the best therapy for me...writing.  Dumping my thoughts onto paper somehow helps me to cope with the emotions running through my mind and spirit.  I loved her so. much.  It pains me mostly to think that she is no longer here on this earth with me...to share in my life experiences.  Even though I moved away from where she lived and where I grew up in her yard and in her house every summer I still felt like I had a connection that would live forever no matter where we were.  She was always just a phone call away.  She always loved hearing my voice on the phone, and I so loved getting to tell her about my day or life event.  She didn't care how long and drawn out my stories were, she didn't mind that I probably rambled on about tiny details because she truly wanted to know all the things I had to say.
Almost a year ago she had a stroke.  It was the beginning of the end of her life, and we all knew this.  She was a fighter almost to the day she died, and I hate that she had to suffer for so long.  I hated it so much I couldn't bear to see her the last few weeks of her life.  I just couldn't have the last images of her being so sick.  She was so strong her whole life and I think I needed that image to be the one I remembered.  I did go see her before she was buried, and it was a shock to my emotions.  I knew she had lost weight, I knew she wasted away to almost nothing, but seeing it for myself was a haunting image.  The skeleton that was lying there was not my Grandma Dot.  This was not the woman who raised 3 incredibly strong willed children.  This was not the woman who took care of 5 grandchildren all at once for years of her life.  This was not the Grandma who gave strong hugs and made you eat your peas (yes even the shriveled up ones).  I am fighting to forget that image, and to only think of the Grandma I spent summers at "the trailer" with (an RV park at Lake Tansi in Crossville, TN).  The Grandma who taught me how to cross stitch, how to thread a needle, how to color inside the lines, how to mix paint to make the perfect shade of purple, how to dig the right sized hole for a plant, how to get the gel from an aloe plant for a burn, that rain water is always the best water to use on plants, that you are a lady when you can put on your own pantyhose, and you are a woman when you discover what it means to "put on your big girl panties".  The best way to quit smoking is cold turkey and a lot of Trident cinnamon gum (not that I smoke, but if I did this would be the way to quit).
That it's ok to use color when decorating your house, and most importantly if the art work you display is made by you or a loved one, you will never grow tired of looking at it.
I don't think I realized how much I learned from her until I knew I wouldn't have her in my life much longer.  I know she loved me for me, I didn't have to prove anything to her or earn her pride.  I am a lot like her I think, and I hope that I can carry on the things she has taught me for my children and my (hopefully) future grandchildren.  It has been a strange few days knowing she's not here anymore, and it will take some time for me to get used to that.  I am thankful she was able to see me become a mother, and to meet my girls before she left this earth.

Long Hard Winter

This has been the longest winter of my life.  Mostly because I've been awake literally more hours of the day in the past year than like the past 10 years combined.  I know people say "you'll never sleep well again" after having children, and truely I expected it to be rough for several months during the "infant" period.  But NO ONE told me a baby could take over a year to sleep all night!  And I'm not talking about waking up during the night every now and then (I expected this as well), but every single night, sometimes twice a night.  And that whole idea of rotating nights with dad does not work for us.  First of all Dad doesn't hear them wake up...ever.  So I have to wake Dad, tell Dad what to do to get child (or children) back to sleep.  Then I lie there staring up at the black ceiling listening to the baby scream from her room while he fumbles around in the kitchen doing God knows what and taking what seems like FOREVER to make a bottle.  Then when he finally gets into the room the child realizes he is not mom and screams even harder thus eliciting the electrical current of hormones to surge through a mother's body forcing her to rise up out of the bed as if someone has splashed cold water on her face.  Needless to say I'm awake now whether I want to be or not.
I go relieve dad (and the child) and get her back to sleep by whatever measures it takes (feeding, changing, medicating, rocking, bouncing, pacing, singing, humming, shushing and sometimes all of the above or maybe just some mystical combo of these).  Then lie down back in bed and realize that dad is freaking snoring.  How does he do it!?  I lay there at least 30 minutes waiting for the stupid hormones to stop and let my brain relax...she is asleep, she is staying asleep, even if she's not asleep I'm not going back in there.  (oh who am I kidding, of course I'll go back in, but not until I let her cry for a few minutes).  Sleep finally comes for 2-3 more hours before they are up for the morning.  This might range anywhere from 5:00 to 6:30....every blue moon it might be 7:00.  I walk into the baby's room and she's laughing and giggling when I open the door like the hellish demon child that existed during the night never happened.  Well she might have forgotten, but I did not!  But the motherly hormones do their job and because she is so happy to see me now and so happy to be awake I forgive her and lavish kisses and hugs on her little round soft head.
I guess my body has adjusted to 4 hours of sleep a night as this is the average stretch of sound sleep I get per night.  I also know that is the reason I have no memory, no energy, and no motivation during the day.
All that being said Ella Kate turned 1 about 2 weeks ago, and I can already tell a difference in how soundly she sleeps.  Except for this week when she's got another sinus infection and is cutting 2 top teeth, we're back to waking once a night.  I've never been more excited to see spring get here.  I'm hoping the warm weather means less sickness, because there's nothing worse than a baby who can't suck her paci because her nose is stopped up.
Today was the first really warm day, I got to work outside and begin the foundation for new life in my yard.  I feel it is symbolic for the new season inside our home as well.  I NEED a change.  I am praying for a peace to blow through that cleanses us of the hard season we've endured and allows rest, rejuvenation, and life to grow in all of us under this roof.

Emotions Run High

I've come to the conclusion that Anna (currently 3 years old) is a very special girl.  Now of course every parent feels this way about their child, but as she grows month by month and becomes more and more verbal about her thoughts and feelings I see what a beautiful heart she has.  I've known for a while that she is very sensitive to other's feelings (as well as her own), and she tries to help you feel better if you're down.   An example, I was leaving her at home with Dad last Saturday to go to a class for work, so she knew I'd be gone a while.  As I was walking out and saying bye she said "Hope you have a great day at your class!"  Now I know at some level she's just repeating what she's heard others say, but I love that she knows this is an encouraging way to say bye to someone.  Another example, if I lie down while Ella Kate is napping, when we get up she will ask, "Did you have a good sleep?"  Again, I know she's just repeating a phrase I say to her sometimes, but I'd also like to think she really does care if I slept well.
When it seems like children her age are so selfish about their feelings and only want what makes them happy, it is wonderful to see this side of her heart.
I was so worried about her becoming very jealous about Ella Kate, and I wondered if she would ever try to hurt her as I've heard some siblings can do.  But Anna LOVES her sister, she wants to do everything she can to help me with her since the day I brought her home from the hospital.  She asks about how Baby Ella slept after a nap or when she sees her in the morning.  If Ella Kate gets upset Anna will try to help figure out if she needs a toy or if she's stuck somewhere (a common problem since EK started crawling).
I'm doing my best to cultivate this wonderful attitude towards the people in her life.
Ella Kate (10 months old) has become a much less fussy baby since she learned to crawl.  That being said she's been sick with one cold after another since before Christmas, and of course no one is happy when they can't breath through their nose or wake coughing all night.  But when she's not sick she is such a happy girl, she laughs out loud at her sister and even at Dad if she hasn't seen him all day.  She is content to play and follow me around the house on the weekends.  Another interesting discovery is that she has blue eyes!  Frank and I both have brown eyes, so we have been surprised to see hers haven't turned brown.
As I start to plan her first birthday party I look back on this last year and think how HARD we've worked to get to this point.  I never imagined that having babies would be so completely and utterly difficult.
Tonight I gave both girls a bath together for the first time.  Ella Kate's was short and I got her dressed for bed while Anna continued to play, then Ella Kate stood at the side of the tub and watched Anna the rest of her bath and just giggled and bounced and slapped the tub as if she was the one playing in the water.  I stood back and took in the scene, part of me knowing I will one day miss them being this small.  Even though they are so much work at this point there are moments of extreme joy when the room is filled with little girl giggles.
Here is a video if you haven't seen in on my facebook already of the girls playing together...sorry I didn't capture the bathtime moment, maybe next time.

Ghost of Christmas Past

Preparing for Christmas is now my "Spring Cleaning".  Looking back at my childhood it was for my mom as well.  I remember one year having to wait for a weekend she wasn't working so she could clean the house before she would let us put up a single decoration.  Now for those who didn't live in my house, cleaning to my mother is more than vacuuming the traveled areas of a carpet and mopping the high traffic spots of the floors.  Cleaning to her means get a big can of elbow grease out cause you're gonna need all of it!  All the stains that sat for months in the carpet came out before Christmas.  A candle that sat all year without seeing the dust rag will now be cleaned because it will have a small wreath of its own at this time of year.  I think I know now why this occurred.  Since you're re-arranging the WHOLE house in order to get the Christmas tree in that perfect front window spot, might as well clean the furniture you're moving and the floor under it.  In years past this just meant keeping a Swiffer in my back pocket as I moved around my own home decorating.  THIS year I carried a box of Clorox wipes with me.  It was gross.  That's all I'm gonna say.
It also came to my attention that we have no room for more toys.  I thought we had every girl toy known to man, and I didn't think we'd need more for the second girl in the house.  But, (insert Beverly Hills House Wife voice here) I had to have the cutest activity center for Ella Kate's Christmas gift this year when I was shopping yesterday!  Sooooo, the toys got sorted.  But not much.  So I bought a bigger rug to allow a bigger play space in the living room.  I won't be able to eat steak (or anything else expensive) for 6 months probably, but I don't need those pounds anyway.
Christmas is a time that I like doing little special things to let the people I love know it.  As my pastor said a few weeks ago "Talk is cheap" when it comes to love.  "We do not give to get happy, we give because we ARE happy because God loves us" (Vegi Tales).  And although it is hard for me to do anything extra for my family right now (its taking all I've got just to get through each day), I am trying.
At Thanksgiving I took Ella Kate (8 months old) to sit by the campfire we enjoy at my parents house.  She is by nature a "stiff" baby.  She rarely relaxes in my arms.  When I sat with her just staring at the fire she relaxed every muscle and melted into me and was quiet (not screeching like an owl) for the first time that day.  So I was going to make an effort to light a fire at home more often, it's just a flip of a switch in my house.  However, for the safety reasons you can see below this is not currently practical.  But I found it also works with just a big candle, which has prominent stance on the usually cluttered coffee table just for her.  Well it's also for me, I love candles, and I forgot how nice it is to have them burning.

For Anna, it's easy to let her know I care.  Today, it was as simple as giving her a box of ornaments that are kid friendly and let her go.  She actually didn't do half bad except the very front of the tree is a bit heavy.

For me it's the little things.  The house is even more a wreck than usual with boxes in the hall and laundry that didn't get put away because we were too busy trying to take pictures (a horrible disaster, the best shot is below).  But we had fun decorating, and I know that is the stuff the girls will remember.  No one but me will know I didn't get all the dust bunnies up before laying the new rug down.  Well, except now everyone will, and if it bothers you, please feel free to send an elf with a swiffer and Clorox wipes!

U-Turn Anytime

Today I want to write to say how great is the mercy of the Lord.  I have this idea of who I want to be in my head, and when I fall short of it EVERY SINGLE DAY I get so upset and depressed, and I think to myself what should I be doing differently to try to obtain this picture in my head.  And then I start thinking "Is the picture I have accurate?  Is it the picture I want for myself or is it one the Lord has given me?"  It's so hard to know sometimes.  I have thoughts that certainly this picture is from the Lord, it's a picture of a peaceful happy day with my healthy (not sick) children who have slept through the night, wake up happy, eat at the table like perfect angles because they slept all night and who obey when told to get ready for the day, have a great day at daycare/preschool and then come home and eat dinner and play.  All the while I'm at work caring for the sick who are genuinely grateful for my care and attention, and I am patient, loving, and kind to my children, coworkers, patients, and husband.  I mean, who wouldn't want that kind of day?  What He has shown me is that is NOT the picture from the Lord.  
He showed me today that a "perfect mommy" is not the way to win their hearts for God.  A perfect mom has no room for grace, because she doesn't need it.  A picture perfect life doesn't need forgiveness or sanctifying or salvation at all.
So I am embracing the not-so-perfect trip down the road of life today.  (Now searching for the U-Turn sign)  I will not get overly stressed and beat myself up when my kids are screaming or whining, or my husband falls short of my expectations...or when I fall short of them too.  I'm so hard on myself, and I'm going to try harder not to be.  I will accept that not every patient will be grateful for the medical care we give them.
If and when I fail today I will then make sure to ask my kids for forgiveness, or let them see how I pray, instead of waiting till they're in bed to seek the Lord.
Thank-you, Lord, for meeting me where I am.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  This verse has new meaning for me.  It means I don't have to do all the things I am thinking should be done.  It means whatever I end up doing is "all" that He meant for me to do.