Ghost of Christmas Past

Preparing for Christmas is now my "Spring Cleaning".  Looking back at my childhood it was for my mom as well.  I remember one year having to wait for a weekend she wasn't working so she could clean the house before she would let us put up a single decoration.  Now for those who didn't live in my house, cleaning to my mother is more than vacuuming the traveled areas of a carpet and mopping the high traffic spots of the floors.  Cleaning to her means get a big can of elbow grease out cause you're gonna need all of it!  All the stains that sat for months in the carpet came out before Christmas.  A candle that sat all year without seeing the dust rag will now be cleaned because it will have a small wreath of its own at this time of year.  I think I know now why this occurred.  Since you're re-arranging the WHOLE house in order to get the Christmas tree in that perfect front window spot, might as well clean the furniture you're moving and the floor under it.  In years past this just meant keeping a Swiffer in my back pocket as I moved around my own home decorating.  THIS year I carried a box of Clorox wipes with me.  It was gross.  That's all I'm gonna say.
It also came to my attention that we have no room for more toys.  I thought we had every girl toy known to man, and I didn't think we'd need more for the second girl in the house.  But, (insert Beverly Hills House Wife voice here) I had to have the cutest activity center for Ella Kate's Christmas gift this year when I was shopping yesterday!  Sooooo, the toys got sorted.  But not much.  So I bought a bigger rug to allow a bigger play space in the living room.  I won't be able to eat steak (or anything else expensive) for 6 months probably, but I don't need those pounds anyway.
Christmas is a time that I like doing little special things to let the people I love know it.  As my pastor said a few weeks ago "Talk is cheap" when it comes to love.  "We do not give to get happy, we give because we ARE happy because God loves us" (Vegi Tales).  And although it is hard for me to do anything extra for my family right now (its taking all I've got just to get through each day), I am trying.
At Thanksgiving I took Ella Kate (8 months old) to sit by the campfire we enjoy at my parents house.  She is by nature a "stiff" baby.  She rarely relaxes in my arms.  When I sat with her just staring at the fire she relaxed every muscle and melted into me and was quiet (not screeching like an owl) for the first time that day.  So I was going to make an effort to light a fire at home more often, it's just a flip of a switch in my house.  However, for the safety reasons you can see below this is not currently practical.  But I found it also works with just a big candle, which has prominent stance on the usually cluttered coffee table just for her.  Well it's also for me, I love candles, and I forgot how nice it is to have them burning.

For Anna, it's easy to let her know I care.  Today, it was as simple as giving her a box of ornaments that are kid friendly and let her go.  She actually didn't do half bad except the very front of the tree is a bit heavy.

For me it's the little things.  The house is even more a wreck than usual with boxes in the hall and laundry that didn't get put away because we were too busy trying to take pictures (a horrible disaster, the best shot is below).  But we had fun decorating, and I know that is the stuff the girls will remember.  No one but me will know I didn't get all the dust bunnies up before laying the new rug down.  Well, except now everyone will, and if it bothers you, please feel free to send an elf with a swiffer and Clorox wipes!

U-Turn Anytime

Today I want to write to say how great is the mercy of the Lord.  I have this idea of who I want to be in my head, and when I fall short of it EVERY SINGLE DAY I get so upset and depressed, and I think to myself what should I be doing differently to try to obtain this picture in my head.  And then I start thinking "Is the picture I have accurate?  Is it the picture I want for myself or is it one the Lord has given me?"  It's so hard to know sometimes.  I have thoughts that certainly this picture is from the Lord, it's a picture of a peaceful happy day with my healthy (not sick) children who have slept through the night, wake up happy, eat at the table like perfect angles because they slept all night and who obey when told to get ready for the day, have a great day at daycare/preschool and then come home and eat dinner and play.  All the while I'm at work caring for the sick who are genuinely grateful for my care and attention, and I am patient, loving, and kind to my children, coworkers, patients, and husband.  I mean, who wouldn't want that kind of day?  What He has shown me is that is NOT the picture from the Lord.  
He showed me today that a "perfect mommy" is not the way to win their hearts for God.  A perfect mom has no room for grace, because she doesn't need it.  A picture perfect life doesn't need forgiveness or sanctifying or salvation at all.
So I am embracing the not-so-perfect trip down the road of life today.  (Now searching for the U-Turn sign)  I will not get overly stressed and beat myself up when my kids are screaming or whining, or my husband falls short of my expectations...or when I fall short of them too.  I'm so hard on myself, and I'm going to try harder not to be.  I will accept that not every patient will be grateful for the medical care we give them.
If and when I fail today I will then make sure to ask my kids for forgiveness, or let them see how I pray, instead of waiting till they're in bed to seek the Lord.
Thank-you, Lord, for meeting me where I am.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  This verse has new meaning for me.  It means I don't have to do all the things I am thinking should be done.  It means whatever I end up doing is "all" that He meant for me to do.

In Heels and Pearls...An American Girl

There's something about putting on my favorite pair of heels and going out for date night that makes me feel like a woman.  Not a mommy, not a nurse, not just a wife who runs the house, but a full fledged, warm blooded, fun, attractive, sexy and down right hot woman.  Maybe it's the way my husband is able to totally get away mentally, too, and we remind ourselves why we started down this road to begin with.  Maybe it's that I don't get to wear heals to work, and they're really impractical when standing hunched over a changing table.  Maybe it's the rarity of the event all together these days, and I can just appreciate date nights more now that I cherish every minute we can get out together.  Actually, it's mostly because I feel most confident in this role.  I've met women who say after their kids all grew up they had no idea what to do with themselves, well I know exactly what I plan to do with my time again.  Not that I would change anything about being a mom, it's just that I was 'just a woman' for so long before I had kids that having moments where I can feel that again is refreshing.  Except now I feel even better at it because being a mom has created a level of maturity I never understood before.  I can smile to my husband as we eat while hearing a parent struggle to maintain order at their table on the other side of the restaurant, being thankful it's not us tonight, and sympathizing with the parent...where before I had kids I would always sympathize with the kid, and be annoyed that someone brought their kids to eat out.  So funny how quickly that perspective changes.
So maybe it's that I like feeling confident, maybe it's familiar, or just plain fun, but in a world filled with people who's lives are 50 shades of messed up, I'm glad there's still something (and someone) in my life that makes me feel that way.

My Nurse Point of View

I've contemplated since starting this blog site how to write about what I do for a living.  The biggest obstacle being that I can't write about any specific patients for obvious reasons.  Also I would not bash my coworkers or the company I work for no matter how frustrated at the moment I might be...again for obvious reasons...I like to keep getting paychecks.
So with that disclaimer noted please read on knowing I have to be a little vague about things.  This post is mostly to get a few things off my chest.
Background check: I am a cardiac nurse, and I absolutely love what I do.  I love the part of my job that allows me to teach people about their specific heart issues.  I also (usually) enjoy finding creative ways to help patients with diet/exercise/and medications issues as these are the foundations for treating heart disease.
The reality of dealing with potentially life threatening issues is that it is difficult for a non-medical person to know sometimes if their issue is really an emergency or not.  So they call the office to speak with the nurse.
I'm ok with that, that's part of what I'm there for, to answer questions over the phone and give advice if I can, or offer an appointment if I can't or deem the situation too unstable to treat over the phone.
So #1 frustration for me: Do not argue with me about the plan I recommend.  It is a thought out plan specific for you.  If I tell you to go to the ER, I am not kidding or just trying to put you off.  There is something about what you have just told me that triggers a red flag in my brain that says "this patient must seek immediate treatment" and that means going to the ER.
You'd be surprised how many people refuse to go to the ER after their cardiac nurse who has their history and vital information right in front of her tells them to go.
#2 frustration: Self diagnosing by the internet.  Come on people, I'm not going to elaborate as there are a thousand scenarios with this.  Bottom line, if you do it, fine, but if the doctor you see disagrees with what the internet says, please don't tell him or his nurse that you think he is wrong because what you read on the internet is different.  It's not going to change his knowledge that came from years of medical school and treating thousands of patients every year with your exact same problem.  If you disagree strongly and feel he totally missed the ball then get a second opinion.  There's nothing wrong with that.
#3 frustration: Stopping medicines (that we started) without telling us.  If you think you had a side effect we need to know!  If you read or heard something bad about it, I want to give you more information before you make the decision to stop taking something.  Often I can help people work through medication issues (even cost issues) but they have to call me!
Ok, I feel much better now.

Asleep At The Wheel

Since going back to work I feel so much better mentally.  Physically however I'm even more tired than ever.  I have to remind myself on my days off (like today) that it's ok to want to keep going back to bed when Ella is napping.  (Yes Anna is at daycare even on my days off)  The dust bunnies can wait, the vacuum and the swiffer will not judge me for lack of use.  I am still celebrating the clean bathroom I managed to get done the week before I went back to work (that was a month ago).  I'm ignoring the fact it should probably be done again now.  My brain has great intentions when I'm sitting in the rocking chair feeding the little one.  I picture myself the queen of efficiency moving from room to room tucking, folding, putting away...sort of like that lady on the Electrolux appliance commercials where the laundry gets magically folded in the air when she throws it in the drawers while wearing fashionable clothing and great hair and makeup.  The reality is I'm wearing PJs that have a wet spot on the arm where the milk is pooling as it runs down the side of Ella's mouth, 3 soaking wet burp cloths on the arm of the chair, 1 over the crib railing, and I think I can smell a dirty diaper on the changing table that I forgot to throw away....or maybe she needs to be changed again.  There are small toys that rattle scattered over the whole room from where Anna was playing with them last night before bed, but as I bend down to pick up the nearest one at the end of the feeding I hear the biggest "wet" burp you've ever heard come from somewhere near Ella's head which is nuzzled oh so cuddly in my arm pit.  And as I stand up I feel warm wetness run all the way down my side to my hip.  I fight every fiber of my being not to let out a frustrated groan and instead carefully place the infant on the changing table and step away to assess the floor.  Because worse than having a wet shirt is stepping on a wet spot in the carpet with bare feet.  So after cleaning us both off, getting her back to sleep, taking a quick shower and putting on fresh clothes (not fashionable ones because these too will get wet before the day is over) I have no strength left for cleaning.
Oh well.  No one really cares except maybe my mom...but I'm ignoring her voice in my head today about just trying to get one thing done.  My one thing today is to relax for as many minutes as I can squeeze in.  Because I've learned that a rested mommy is far more important than a clean house.

Back to Work

I am back to work again!  4 days a week, 8 hour days (usually).  We're back to our usual routine +1.  I have never been more relieved to go to work.  I feel horrible for feeling this way, I'm supposed to hate being away from my baby all day, right?   And there are moments I do miss her and want to hold her, but that's the thing about Ella, she will not sleep in my arms.  So I get to hold her for an hour at a time during her feedings and then she's ready to be put back in her bed and left alone to fall asleep.  I've tried and tried to rock her and sing her to sleep to no avail.  It just ends in tears on everyone's part.
So I've left her in capable hands and I try not to worry all day.  We're both still adjusting.
She doesn't sleep solidly yet during naps, she's waking at least every hour for various reasons, she wants to go back to sleep but needs her paci or she's spit up and is laying in a puddle, or she's gassy or needs to burp, the list goes on and on.  So this doesn't lend well to napping or cleaning or really doing anything that can't be interrupted often.  This is the brunt of my frustration with her.   And why I'm so happy to go to work and feel like I'm getting something done.  On the positive side she sleeps great at night, wakes only once, occasionally twice for her paci but goes right back to sleep for about 12 hours total.  This feels like a huge accomplishment compared to Anna's sleepless nights and night time feedings until she was 9 months old.
So maybe I'm just wired differently in the mom department.  I enjoy it on a part time basis.  I am much more patient with Ella's fussy time in the evening since going back to work, and I cherish the awake time she has when I'm at home.
This is a shout out to all the stay-at-home-mom's out there...more power to you, I don't want your job.

June 1, 2012

Items from left to right:
Anna's sippy cup of apple juice-critical for keeping her "regular"
My old cell phone-just switched back to Verizon
A little pet shop animal
One of Frank's magazines with my new phone on top
A soft lovie bear that Ella cuddles with in her bouncy seat which has moved off the table onto the ottoman now
A box of bear puzzle pieces
Somebody's coke can-no I can't remember who's it was
TV controller-again not the primary one
Another one of Frank's magazines on top of a children's bible which Anna doesn't understand why we can't read the whole thing in one sitting (it's several hundred pages)
Anna's empty snack bowl
Classic phone pull toy (Anna still loves a good pull toy)
Soft Dr. Seuss book
Anna's Mater truck, as in Tow Mater from Cars-she had to sleep with him when she first got him
The tablet
My empty glass on top of a card from Shutterfly offering a free baby book (not sure when I'll have the time to make it), Anna likes to look at the pictures of babies and "read" the card.
Clean burp cloths
A basket of various toys Anna went "shopping" for in the house
 

Mixed Emotions

I've had 3 nights without children and it's been great.  The problem with a break is that my still raging post postpartum hormones are making me crazy with worry and guilt that my baby isn't with me.  Also she's had some bottles with soy formula since being away from me (the 24hr dairy) and turns out her stomach seems to agree with it better than my milk.  So lets make a list here so my analytical side can sort this out.
1. Nature is F'd up!  Why would any baby's body react badly to the source of food designed just for it?
2. If soy is making the difference that means she probably has a milk sensitivity.  Again refer to #1.
3. If I were a mom 50 or more years ago and didn't have the option to use formula I'd have to stick this problem out and hopefully her body would eventually process my milk better.  Maybe I should just wait it out, everything I read says colic ends around 3 months which is just another 3-4 weeks from now.
4. Switching to formula means I get to have caffeine, wine, onions (you'd be surprised how many dishes have them in it), all the milk/dairy I want, diet sodas (I have a thing about aspartame when I'm pregnant/nursing), and did I mention caffeine?
5. Switching to formula means no more carrying a pump to work and just generally watching the clock to make sure I pump as often as she eats.
6. Not lactating means I'll get my brain back...not this stupid hormone brain.
7. Not lactating also means more energy.
8. Breast milk is supposed to be good for immunities and make a baby grow into a healthier adult.
9. She got 9 solid weeks of my milk, I should be proud that I was able to produce enough to not have to switch before now.
10. There is no guarantee that her body will process my milk any better after 3 months.  A true milk sensitivity doesn't usually get better until 9-12 months and I was only planning to pump until she's 6 months anyway.

So in that list I'm only seeing 2 items in favor of continuing to pump.  That settles that.  Let the weaning begin.

The Girls

I want to focus on my girls for a moment if only to look back while reading this and remember them during this time.

Anna Elise Berisford, or Braferd as she says it.  If I had only one sentence to describe this child it would be: This girl knows what she wants and is not afraid to tell you.  She was talking in complete 3-4 word sentences at 15 months.  I listen to her and am amazed at the words she knows.  Sometimes I think she adds words to her sentence just to see how many she can put together and still make sense.  Example: Mommy, I wanna go to Grandma's house (pause) today.  So I can ride in your gray car (pause) that has my car seat in it, and baby Ella can come too, (pause) and ride in her car seat (pause) in your gray car too.  She is very expressive with her face, and she likes to see herself in the mirror if she is sad or upset just to see what her face looks like I think.  She loves clothes and shoes (YAY!) which is good because I do too, and I love shopping for her.  I know one day this will be a bad thing financially, but I'm enjoying it for now.  She has a heart that wants to do the right thing.  She is not by nature a rebellious child (thank God), she does (for the most part) obey us.  Now that being said she goes through moments of blatant disobedience but mostly its with the things that we all struggle not to do.  If something is too tempting to touch or play with she can't help herself even if we've told her no.  And sometimes she will just do her own thing regardless of what I'm telling her to do.  I've found that she does this more when I've not been able to give her a lot of attention that day.  She likes to be included in the conversation and will tell you to "STOP Talking!" until you make her part of the conversation.  (Of course I don't always let her get away with this.)  She plays very well by herself.  She loves her baby sister, she hugs her and kisses her, and wants to hold her.  She tries to help me burp her and feed her.  She is a great "fetcher" of things like diapers and burp cloths.  She feels that Ella needs a toy sometimes when Ella is sleeping in her bed.  I had to have a discussion with her that Ella can only play with soft toys for now.  I fear that Ella will have to get used to seeing toys being hurled over the crib rail at her.
She loves adventures and exploring things.  Trips to Grandma's house, trips to...well, anywhere that's fun I guess.  She is shy when meeting new people, and when doing any new physical activity.  She did NOT like the ocean this year, but loved playing in the sand at the beach.
My favorite thing about her is that she gets me.  She understands what I expect, and I know she really loves me.  Sometimes I will look at her from across the room and when she looks back at me I smile at her really big but not say anything.  She will smile really big back at me and not say anything too.  Its our little way of telling each other we are happy at that moment, and it melts my heart.

Ella Kathleen Berisford (Ella Kate).  While I'm still trying to learn who she is there are a few things I know for sure.  When she's awake she likes to smile, she was smiling on purpose at 4 weeks, and now at 8 weeks she smiles at me first when I pick her up in the morning out of her crib.  She coos and "talks" now, but not for long, she's only happy to be awake about an hour at each feeding.   She is most content being held and talked to or looking around at new things.  She fights going to sleep, just keeps trying to look around, and easily gets overtired.  She does not like being rocked to sleep at this point, maybe she will later...this makes me sad.  She does NOT like her hands to be swaddled.  She is colicky, no denying it.  Some days she has cried for up to 4 hours in a row only stopping for brief moments.  It is the worst in the evening from 4:30 to 8:30.  It seems to be getting better, some nights she does great and only cries when first going to sleep.  Everyday I pray that it will be a better day.  I'm looking forward to watching her grow, and I wonder all the time what she will be like.  As I'm about to start back to work I know she will grow faster to me, I'm trying to enjoy her at each stage, though I admit this stage has been rough.  We say everyday that if she wasn't so cute she'd be dead...I'm kidding of course, but it does help!

A Day of Rest

Yesterday I got to celebrate my 31st birthday (which was actually May 6th, but it just didn't work out to celebrate that day) with my mom and sister, and then celebrated 9 years of marriage with Frank at dinner.  I started the day by handing Ella (now 8 weeks old) over to my very wonderful mother-in-law for the entire day.  She and grandpa came to our house to watch both girls, and I cannot thank them enough for doing it, and that I didn't have to put anyone into car seats or fight anyone to get dressed and hurry up to get out the door!  I then drove to Murfreesboro to meet my 2 best friends for a day of rest.  That drive was so nice.  Not worrying if someone was asleep in the back seat or not, not trying to reach back to reinsert a paci to calm a screaming baby, not searching for a sippy cup that fell under my seat and rolled into the inner workings of my car (a Volvo which is acclaimed for safety, not easy access to small spaces) and best of all getting to listen to whatever music I wanted as loudly as I wanted.  I'm pretty sure just the drive helped me get my sanity back from the last 2 months.  After the best hair cut I've ever had we went to lunch.  Now I started this day thinking that I wasn't going to talk about my kids the whole day, but I realized 2 things shortly after I got there: 1. my sister loves my kids too, and doesn't mind hearing about them, and 2: it was helping me feel more confident as a mom to rehash with her the good and the bad of the past few weeks.  We moved on to other topics at lunch and I really started feeling like myself again.  Like the sister and the daughter I feel comfortable being.  I know and recognize this person and it was a great feeling.  It felt like home.  Not that my own home doesn't feel that way, it's just a busy place right now and my brain needed a rest. 
After another good drive home I briefly saw my children (helped get Ella settled during her fussy time of the night) and then left again with Frank for a much needed date night.  We walked around Bridge Street (an outdoor mall for those who don't live here) and ate dinner...slowly.  And even had dessert, something we almost never do while eating out.  I remembered why I love him and we got to talk about the future, and our dreams.  It helped both of us be excited about life again to be able to make plans together for our family.  I am realizing while writing this that our marriage has entered a new phase.
We are not newly weds any longer, which is just fine with me.  We have had many "for better" times, and we have been through some "or worse" parts of the relationship, and we're still glad we have each other.  We're also in agreement with Bill Cosby that we love our kids but it's all about raising them up and "getting them out of the house!"  and that "parents don't care about fairness, they care about quiet!"
So, I think I've found myself again, at least for the moment.  My arms are more loving today around my girls and I am so thankful for my family for helping me.

Mawmaws and Pawpaws

One of the most important aspects of raising kids to me is for them to have time with their Grandparents.  I feel this way for several reasons.  1. It gives parents a break, even if I'm with them when we're together.  And when they are with our parents without me I don't worry about them.  I know they will be loved, fed, changed, punished if needed, and safe (well mostly...we'll be discussing 4-wheeler safety at some point).  It is the only source of true freedom for me as a mom to know that if I'm away from my kids they are well taken care of.  Because kids = worry....and a lot of it.
2. I think it's important for kids to know their heritage, I know it helped me to be able to see that my personality was similar to one or more grandparents in ways that was different from my parents.  It helped me have perspective on different ways to live, how different their lives were compared to my parents and my life at home.  It helped me define the kind of life I wanted (or didn't want).
3. Sometimes Grandmas have the answer that Mom couldn't figure out...especially with babies!  Let's face it, they've been through it already and might have some tricks we moms haven't found yet.  More than once a Grandma has helped stop a crying baby when I couldn't do it.
4. And probably the most important reason to me is that it gives kids a different view of parenting.  Maybe it's more relaxed, maybe it's not, but I think it's good for children to see the world in a different light but still feel secure with someone they trust while doing it.  Sitting around a fire and exploring the woods at one Grandma's, while reading new books and taking baby dolls for walks around the block at another is so much more fun than playing with the same toys at home.

And Grandparents love time with them too!  Above: my mom (Grandmama) with Anna at 2nd birthday party

                My dad (Grandpa Chuck) with Anna Spring 2010 for her first trip to the Normandy Lake

                                               Frank's mom (Grandma Kathie) with Anna Fall 2010

                                             My dad with Anna at the beach 2012

                              Frank's mom and dad (Grandpa Dale) with Ella Kate the day she was born.

    

Who Am I?

As I sat on the towel spread over my couch (due to a potty accident that occurred hours before) and listened for Ella Kate to cry out again after finally getting her to sleep after an hour and a half of screaming for no apparent reason, I thought "who am I?".  I have lost myself.  I have lost all traces of the person I used to think of myself as.  I don't even know how I would currently describe myself to anyone except to say that I am the mother of 2 children who's actions demand every ounce of energy and patience that I have, plus some that I didn't know I had!  I used to be a person who was able to make decisions for myself.  I didn't usually need input from a lot of people to decide on things.  So I think I'm struggling to have someone else dictate how my day goes.  And because I'm constantly trying to squeeze in time for myself I don't take suggestions from others well about what to do during those times.  I want to decide in that time what I want to do.  Maybe it's just go take a shower.  Maybe I want to clean or do laundry, but I want to be the one to decide it.  There are brief moments during the day (like now while I'm writing this) that I can get away while they are sleeping and try to organize my thoughts, and maybe make some plans.  But most of those thoughts and plans revolve around them anyway, so that's not really getting away.  And brief moments do not make a person who they are. 
I also used to be sort of a loner.  I didn't need a lot of friends, just a few close ones.  I was happiest at home in my room reading, working on projects for myself, or spending time with my family.  But of course kids = no alone time.  We've all heard the comments from moms who cannot even go to the bathroom without hearing "Whatchya doin' in there Mom?"  I am included in that group too.  And no matter what answer I give it is followed by "Why?" 
So the answer is, I'm still trying to figure out who I am.  Maybe going back to work next week will help me find some part of myself.  My wonderful mother is going to keep both girls for 4 nights next weekend, so maybe some much needed uninterrupted sleep and time by myself and with my husband will help, too.  Maybe I'm just too impatient and need to wait until they are bigger to worry about getting myself back, although I'm partly afraid I will alienate my friends and family before that day comes.

May 9, 2012

After our first baby was born we discovered parts of our house that we'd never really used and/or noticed before.  The room we appointed nursery from the day we moved in but sat empty for almost 2 years suddenly had an occupant.  Kitchen cabinets that were so spacious were now overflowing with bottles, and all the parts that go with them, and the lovely Kitchen Aid Mixer took a back seat to make room for the bottle prep station.  Every room became a play room, and every creak in the floor boards now became a siren for the baby to awaken with.  The washing machine and dishwasher had not known what hard work meant before this time, and the spare bathroom was now savvy to all things baby poop related.  Now the living room has always been a source for entertainment, but after a baby the TV was the ONLY source of outside life and entertainment.  Gone were the days of hours of play building my dream Sim City and Frank's time shooting at the cops on Grand Theft Auto. 
Life now revolves around the couch.  It is where all meals take place for the whole family, the gathering spot when anyone comes home from anywhere, the resting spot when a baby is sleeping (but not soundly enough for parents to crawl back into bed) during the day, and the primary link to the outside world (because as I've mentioned before it's exhausting to tote around an infant).
With a second child this has been compounded into making the coffee table a dumping ground of the day's events.  My time is spread even thinner and things pile up.  So I have decided that taking a picture of this table as often as I have time to write about it is a good way to journal my days with small children.  I plan to update this blog often...we'll see how it goes.

This is today's picture

Starting from top of picture to bottom today's items include a pink basket that is holding little plastic nuts from a Little Pet Shop toy, the trusty bouncy seat (likely to occur in every picture for a while) as this is its home for now, hosting playtime for 6 week old Ella Kate who only plays for 15minutes at a time.  Under the seat is the Xoom tablet, no explanation needed here.  2 hair ribbons (red and white) and brush for combing Anna's hair in the morning before she leaves, these items are actually not related, she likes to play with the ribbons and will get them out at odd times. The purple cradle is from her dollhouse.  Travel sized hand sanitizer, hand cream, a pink burp cloth, a TV controller (though not the primary one), a children's book and another small item from the dollhouse, a size 2T skirt that she did not end up wearing to daycare partially covered by a fabric napkin that I'm pretty sure doubled as another burp cloth.  Opposite of those sit my empty caffeine fix for the morning which was just out of arms reach of the coaster because I didn't want to drop Ella to bend the extra few inches from the couch.  This is actually a pretty light day for the table, most days you can't see the wood top.

It's Just a Phase

A friend of my husbands compared living life with kids to driving a car, you're just trying to keep it between the lines.  If the road is my sanity then I've been riding on the shoulder for about 2 years now, occasionally running over those notches that they cut in the pavement to tell you you're going off and am able to steer it back on track.  No really, I love my children, as all parents will start their vent sessions with the same phrase.  Because we mean it, I really love them and because I love them I want to do a good job raising them.  But that means self sacrifice to the max and that wears on a person after a while.  Some parents I have found reach that point of being "maxed out" sooner than others.

I learned a long time ago that I need my sleep.  Period.  If I do not get good sleep I "turn into a pumpkin" as my mother describes it.  My husband says I become a crazy person.  The same thing happens if I go too long without eating.  And goldfish and graham crackers do not count, I need a meal, preferably a hot one at regular intervals during the day.  So I do not handle the newborn days very well...in fact I'm probably driving with 2 wheels in the ditch most days the first few weeks.  I have accepted this and because of this we've decided that we're done having kids :)  I want to do more with my life than spend 10 years getting up to breastfeed in the night, change diapers, respect nap schedules, and try to sooth a baby for hours of the day.  Granted I feel that I was dealt 2 difficult babies...difficult in very different ways, but both have been hard.  Anna had reflux and could not eat more than 2-3 ounces at a feeding and woke every hour some days around the clock for several weeks, then it turned out she had a milk sensitivity and once we started soy formula at 4 months she finally started sleeping, but then stopped sleeping when she cut teeth, which she did 2 at a time.  She did not sleep soundly until almost 1 year old.  Then when she was about 18 months old we decided to take a trip to West Virginia to the Strawberry Festival.  It was on this trip that we realized she was actually a really easy toddler.  She had a routine, but was becoming flexible, and so funny.  She slept great, ate great, and rarely cried.  So, we decided to try for a second baby.

Ella Kate was born almost exactly 1 year later.  I should mention also that I do not like being pregnant.  I had regular mild contractions with both pregnancies (every 5 minutes at 36 weeks with Anna, and every 3-5 minutes on and off at 32 weeks with Ella requiring bed rest some days).  And so the days of going without sleep and regular meals started over.  Mentally I think it has been easier with Ella since we knew what to expect, but physically I still feel like an exhausted, boggy, zombie like version of myself who has a full service built-in dairy that is open 24 hours a day.

Ella Kate is now 6 weeks old and has a definite routine and only wakes once during the night to eat.  But she also "turns into a pumpkin" at times and screams for hours inconsolably.  Most days it happens in the afternoon, but sometimes its at night, other times it happens randomly.  I'm calling it colic, but as it turns out saying that to other people elicits all sorts of comments and surprisingly lots of "old wives tale" rationale.  This is 2012 people, we have the internet and thousands of books about babies.  I've read countless articles about the subject and found the only consistency between all of them is that time is the only solution.  It's just a phase the baby will eventually out grow.  There probably is some underlying cause, like hormone shifts causing stomach muscle tightening, an immature gut, an immature nervous system, gas, over-tiredness, overstimulated, or just some weird need to cry.  It doesn't really matter what the underlying problem is, I can't fix any of those things once the crying starts, and I've tried everything I know to try to prevent them.  She eventually wears out and falls asleep if I can "break the crying episode" long enough.  And it's something different everyday that stops her crying.
Getting out of the house is helpful, but not everyday.  It is exhausting to tote around an infant, so unless I can go someplace that I can sit and hold her I try not to go out by myself with her.

So that's my journey on this road of life since having kids up 'till now.  I sometimes think to myself what life would be like if we decided not to have them and I know I would not have done things differently even if I had known how hard they would be as babies.  Anna is an amazing toddler.  Yes, she has her moments of "terrible 2s" and throwing tantrums, but they are usually very short lived.  She is so funny and we laugh several times a day at things she says.  An example: last night she forgot to close the gate we have up to keep the dog out of the bedrooms.  When Frank pointed this out to her she said "Oh!  Silly ole me.  I forgot to close the gate."  I laughed so hard it bounced the bottle out of Ella's mouth.  I have no idea where she hears phrases like this, but she has lots of them.  More to come with future posts.

So just as Ella's crying spells will pass (hopefully) so will this time of my life.  I will become myself again (hopefully), please forgive me until then.  I am trying to keep the car in one piece and it might take a new set of tires and lots of fuel in the form of coffee, but we'll get there.