Asleep At The Wheel

Since going back to work I feel so much better mentally.  Physically however I'm even more tired than ever.  I have to remind myself on my days off (like today) that it's ok to want to keep going back to bed when Ella is napping.  (Yes Anna is at daycare even on my days off)  The dust bunnies can wait, the vacuum and the swiffer will not judge me for lack of use.  I am still celebrating the clean bathroom I managed to get done the week before I went back to work (that was a month ago).  I'm ignoring the fact it should probably be done again now.  My brain has great intentions when I'm sitting in the rocking chair feeding the little one.  I picture myself the queen of efficiency moving from room to room tucking, folding, putting away...sort of like that lady on the Electrolux appliance commercials where the laundry gets magically folded in the air when she throws it in the drawers while wearing fashionable clothing and great hair and makeup.  The reality is I'm wearing PJs that have a wet spot on the arm where the milk is pooling as it runs down the side of Ella's mouth, 3 soaking wet burp cloths on the arm of the chair, 1 over the crib railing, and I think I can smell a dirty diaper on the changing table that I forgot to throw away....or maybe she needs to be changed again.  There are small toys that rattle scattered over the whole room from where Anna was playing with them last night before bed, but as I bend down to pick up the nearest one at the end of the feeding I hear the biggest "wet" burp you've ever heard come from somewhere near Ella's head which is nuzzled oh so cuddly in my arm pit.  And as I stand up I feel warm wetness run all the way down my side to my hip.  I fight every fiber of my being not to let out a frustrated groan and instead carefully place the infant on the changing table and step away to assess the floor.  Because worse than having a wet shirt is stepping on a wet spot in the carpet with bare feet.  So after cleaning us both off, getting her back to sleep, taking a quick shower and putting on fresh clothes (not fashionable ones because these too will get wet before the day is over) I have no strength left for cleaning.
Oh well.  No one really cares except maybe my mom...but I'm ignoring her voice in my head today about just trying to get one thing done.  My one thing today is to relax for as many minutes as I can squeeze in.  Because I've learned that a rested mommy is far more important than a clean house.

Back to Work

I am back to work again!  4 days a week, 8 hour days (usually).  We're back to our usual routine +1.  I have never been more relieved to go to work.  I feel horrible for feeling this way, I'm supposed to hate being away from my baby all day, right?   And there are moments I do miss her and want to hold her, but that's the thing about Ella, she will not sleep in my arms.  So I get to hold her for an hour at a time during her feedings and then she's ready to be put back in her bed and left alone to fall asleep.  I've tried and tried to rock her and sing her to sleep to no avail.  It just ends in tears on everyone's part.
So I've left her in capable hands and I try not to worry all day.  We're both still adjusting.
She doesn't sleep solidly yet during naps, she's waking at least every hour for various reasons, she wants to go back to sleep but needs her paci or she's spit up and is laying in a puddle, or she's gassy or needs to burp, the list goes on and on.  So this doesn't lend well to napping or cleaning or really doing anything that can't be interrupted often.  This is the brunt of my frustration with her.   And why I'm so happy to go to work and feel like I'm getting something done.  On the positive side she sleeps great at night, wakes only once, occasionally twice for her paci but goes right back to sleep for about 12 hours total.  This feels like a huge accomplishment compared to Anna's sleepless nights and night time feedings until she was 9 months old.
So maybe I'm just wired differently in the mom department.  I enjoy it on a part time basis.  I am much more patient with Ella's fussy time in the evening since going back to work, and I cherish the awake time she has when I'm at home.
This is a shout out to all the stay-at-home-mom's out there...more power to you, I don't want your job.

June 1, 2012

Items from left to right:
Anna's sippy cup of apple juice-critical for keeping her "regular"
My old cell phone-just switched back to Verizon
A little pet shop animal
One of Frank's magazines with my new phone on top
A soft lovie bear that Ella cuddles with in her bouncy seat which has moved off the table onto the ottoman now
A box of bear puzzle pieces
Somebody's coke can-no I can't remember who's it was
TV controller-again not the primary one
Another one of Frank's magazines on top of a children's bible which Anna doesn't understand why we can't read the whole thing in one sitting (it's several hundred pages)
Anna's empty snack bowl
Classic phone pull toy (Anna still loves a good pull toy)
Soft Dr. Seuss book
Anna's Mater truck, as in Tow Mater from Cars-she had to sleep with him when she first got him
The tablet
My empty glass on top of a card from Shutterfly offering a free baby book (not sure when I'll have the time to make it), Anna likes to look at the pictures of babies and "read" the card.
Clean burp cloths
A basket of various toys Anna went "shopping" for in the house